did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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