there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
