she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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