the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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