She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
