i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We talked him into tasing himself.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
