I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
