im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
i think i just lost a toe
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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