Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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