I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
