i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
