I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
