the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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