Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
