So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm having to shit out rocks
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
