a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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