So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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