I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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