The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
