tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
