I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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