If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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