Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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