Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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