I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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