roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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