Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Is Oprah even human
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
