I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
True strength comes from lack of pants
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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