why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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