Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
