We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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