Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
