I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
