he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
