It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
