I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
