Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
