Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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