How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
