Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
