make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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