I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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