break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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