I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Someone signed my nipple.
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