I'll bet she douches with gravy.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
