i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
