he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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