No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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