It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
