My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Drake has all the answers
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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