dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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