We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
