Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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