I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
