wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize