i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
