hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
